The Beginning of Actuating My Kink

I have had curious thoughts/fantasies concerning erotic power and the manifestation thereof by a firm, authoritative woman for many years. Possibly prepuberty, though the recollections at this point are fuzzy.

Obviously I enjoy erotica and have read such since I was a teenager. Maledom and Femdom. But I began to notice that the Femdom was more arousing and better held my interest. Women commanding the male beast. I delved, finding everything I could read to engross myself.

I did not begin engaging in D/s activities until in my thirties. I have always kept my proclivity quiet and when I did date it was vanilla and not often. I have always been shy with women. But on one particular night I took a young woman to a hockey game. She was a beautiful girl, quite stern as you can imagine my preference in demeanor, and quite the hockey fan.

I had obtained excellent seats very close to the ice and near the official who supervises the penalty box. Well, being the fan that she was (and with her good looks) she and the official talked during the first intermission. During the second intermission there must have been plans made while I went for snacks, and by the end of the game it was announced she was leaving the game with him and not me.

Quite embarrassing. Quite humiliating. I had bought dinner and the tickets and she left with another guy.

But deep down I found the encounter strangely stimulating... that she would do that to me... use her feminine charms to extract dinner and expensive hockey tickets and then summarily announce the date was over. She utilized her power and I learned that I in turn was powerless.

That is when I began asking myself questions. My proclivity was for more than just reading books/stories about erotic power. There was perverse delight being placed in a role of acquiescence and found strange joy in being commanded.

It was then that I began to actively seek Dominant women. And of course, at that time before the internet, there were few sources available to assure myself of a woman’s complementing penchant.

If I recall properly, one of the more trashy books I was reading had classified ads printed in the back. All the details are lost in time, but I do remember my hand shaking and my voice quivering in calling a phone number and making an appointment with a professional Dominatrix.

I have been seeking something ever since. And I have not found it.